“Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down. You could stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won’t back down.”
Here’s the deal:
“Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down. You could stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won’t back down.”
Here’s the deal:
“I ain’t settlin’ or just getting by, I’ve had enough so-so for the rest of my life, tired of shootin” to low, so raise the bar high…”
This seems to be my theme song lately. This and a few others. Never EVER getting back together with ANYONE that’s unhealthy, family, friends, love interests…none of it. This summer I did a clean sweep of my life, and honestly, things have really turned around.
My last post was around my birthday. This has surely been neglected! I wrote of happiness and love and all the things closest to my heart, while simultaneously trying to mask the largest amount of inner turmoil that had been brewing for quite some time. It was a last-ditch attempt to stave off the inevitable. So, about three weeks after I got home I set off my own A-bomb. What a nice change. To take control of my own life and choose better, so much better; for myself, and for the girls, was liberating, soul-saving, refreshing, and the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done.
So, now, after some of the dust has settled, I’m THRILLED to say that life is blissful. Like, really blissful. Not fake blissful in that every thing has worked out, or is perfect, but in the sense that every single thing has come about at just the right time, when I needed exactly. This seems to be a common theme in life that I seem to forget. Sometimes I’m so wrapped up in fixing things, or figuring them out, that I forget to just live them, let them unfold and be content with exactly what’s in front of me. But, learning all the things I have in the past 6+ months has made me the strongest mumma, the strongest woman, and someone who finally knows the value of good things. I’m so lucky to have my girls. Lucky to have a job, a new one on the horizon, multiple options, and my little thing…that little tiny sweets thing I started a few years ago…well it’s slowly coming back. Which gives me the faith, that one day soon, I’ll own a full-fledged shop. One that’s all mine, a place where I can call the shots, and make sure it’s done the way I want it: FINALLY. Things are small right now, but I was sure in March when I made all those little decisions that led up to the big bomb, that it was all over. But, it’s not. It’s just begun. And, really, life has just begun. All over again. And I can’t wait! I can’t wait to be me. And be the best me I can be. Life is such a gift. Finding satisfaction in the hard work I put forth every day is what drives me to keep going.
I’m thankful to say that everything is alright. That everything is OK. That it’s exactly how it’s meant to be and it’ll all be alright again soon. I know there have been quite a few concerned friends- and to those I say, thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being loyal, and true, and everything wonderful for, and to me, and my girls. Thank you for being patient, and waiting, while I figured out the hardest transition of my entire life. Thank you for STILL being patient while I work out the kinks in this crazy thing. But thank you the most for showing me that honest people exist, and that I can count on the love you’ve continuously displayed. Y’all know exactly who you are. Each of you are a strength to me in a way I cannot truly express enough gratitude for.
Hopefully, this will have some more regular updates. I’ve found that writing and playing my beloved piano are my releases lately. Therapeutically, words offer me a discharge in a way most things can’t. Thanks for the love, the patience and the silent support. I’m truly amazed. Thank you just isn’t enough.
Today is my birthday. I used to think it was negative to expect, or even desire that people go out of their way for you on your birthday. I grew up hearing that this was a day unlike any other and the rest of the world didn’t really care. But, today, ESPECIALLY this year, I learned they do. There are SO many people who care. And being cared for, is blissful. My phone and Facebook page were filled with literally over 100 messages of care, and love. Each one, noted and stored in my memory. Each one a bit of salve for my soul. So, THANK YOU. Thank you to D and my girls for my awesome sign in the hotel room, and for my new piano music. Thank you to my close friends watching my house while I’m out-of-town. Thank you to P, for my incredibly creative and AWESOME birthday package. And to each of my friends for their texts, their “I miss you!” and “I love you!” and “Happy Birthday beautiful!” messages. Those messages mean so much to me. This birthday has been the best yet… and I expect that every year after will now also be just as awesome. I can’t wait to come and party with you all! I truly have the greatest friends ever, and the very best people in my life. I am so, so, SO lucky!
I spent today at the happiest place on Earth: Disneyland. I spent it with my girls and one of my best friends. This was exactly where I needed to be.
A few years ago if you’d asked me about what I pictured my life to be in 2, 3, or even 4 years, I never would have said where I am today. I have gone through some of the biggest struggles of my life. Some of the greatest betrayals too. Ones that I thought were impossible for any human being to commit. But since those realizations, it’s been about finding a way through the struggle. As a child, I had a book about going on a lion hunt… every challenge the boy comes across, he mentions, “Can’t go over it, can’t go under it have to go through it”. The focus is on experiencing whatever it is he comes across. Not going around them or over them, but experiencing them and then moving on to the next challenge. What great advice!!!! Life is not about circumventing our trials. It is about embracing them, then finding a way through them, and then, probably most important: moving on.
The past couple years have been a journey of redefinition of myself: of my role as a mother, as a daughter, a sister, a friend, and as a human being. I’ve learned that the greatest forgiveness yields the greatest joy. That when people are unhealthy, you can still choose to love them, and accept them. That even if you love and accept someone through forgiveness, this does NOT mean you have to maintain a relationship. You do NOT have to love and accept their choices and those subsequent actions. Loving and accepting someone does NOT mean you have succumb to their demands either. I’ve also learned that people will surprise you, if you let them. I’ve had more random acts of kindness in the last 2 years, but I believe it’s because I’ve looked for them. People are all around you, willing and ready to show their compassion, if you just accept it. Learning to accept help has been a great struggle for me, and something I continue to struggle with, but, I have learned that doing it all on my own robs others of their desire to help, robs me of the lessons I could learn from someone else, and robs my kids of the chance to see how others live their lives and make decisions. My new way of life, and looking at relationships, has allowed me the freedom to move on from things that have troubled me in the past. That freedom is invigorating and inspiring. I’m so glad for the challenges I’ve been given. They’re exactly what I needed. =)
I’ve also learned that I have the greatest capacity in me. That I CAN do anything; a knowledge I didn’t have before. I have a list of places I want to see before I die. Disneyland with my girls was one. San Fransisco is another. I’m knocking those two out in one week. I can’t wait. Already, this trip has been one chock full of memories, laughs, giggles, smiles, and JOY. A joy I wasn’t sure existed still. But it does. And it will continue to. I’m insanely grateful for being able to take my girls and show them that life exists after trauma. For them, and for me. Regardless of what’s happened in the past, you can move on. Never forgetting the trauma is inevitable, but realizing that life exists and is still so beautiful after has been a whole new realization.
Yesterday, as we ran through ride after ride in the park, the elation on T’s face was AWESOME. It was so refreshing. It was as if my sweet girl was whole again. Like no one had ever touched her. Like everything in life was perfect. During one of the rides, I watched T control how high we flew, and saw the excitement and wonder in her eyes, and heard her happiness through the endless giggles. It was like breathing life into my soul. Life is so rich. It’s just waiting for us to take it all in. And just like that ride- we control how high we soar.
As we watched the end of the night fireworks, and listened to the narration, Julie Andrews said, “dreams really do come true”. That my friends, is true. It has been my dream and greatest desire to give T back what was stolen from her. And the past three days, I have. And the next lifetime, I’m going to continue to. I want to show her all the most beautiful things in the world and experience them-together. Because the joy I see on her face gives me the hope that anything is possible. Because the happiness in the last 3 days, has healed my heart in a way I never thought possible.
Thanks to all those who made this the best birthday ever. My heart is so full right now, I could burst.
Dreams do come true, hearts do heal, there is love and life after struggle and pain, and you CAN do anything!!
All my love,
There’s a lot going on in this pretty little head of mine… I’ve got so much going on I can’t seem to decide where to start.
So… I imagine I won’t be updating this till mid march after my birthday trip. I can’t wait. I’m going to a couple epic cities where I will drown my concerns away with characters from my own childhood, places I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl, tasting chocolate from the source, seeing a place kinda like 2 years ago, and hopefully meeting more people to enhance my journey. And of course: showing my girlies all the most perfect things about life. That life should be enjoyed to the fullest always. Where I can forget that I have papers to file that make the last 2+ years official, a job to find, and a life to revamp…again. But that’s ok. Because I’ll be spending my birthday with the most important people in the world, seeing places I’ve wanted to my whole life. Yeah- I’m making my dreams happen. Are you?
Holy cow… 8 days from Christmas?!
Thanksgiving went well at my house. As usual it was packed with friends, and even family this time. My parents drove down with my little brother, and my sweet grandparents came up from Vegas, as well. The house was filled with people everywhere; just how I like it. I love knowing my door is open to anyone who doesn’t have a “home” for Thanksgiving, plus all my wonderful friends that just want to spend the holidays with me. I really am the luckiest girl…either that or I bake the best turkey. =)
Now, it’s smack dab in the middle of December and I honestly have not really done any Christmas shopping. Money is tighter than it’s ever been, and oddly enough, I have LESS stress than in years earlier. I know something will work out, because it always does. I’m not stressing because my girls have a few gifts to open, and really, that’s all they need. It’s not so much about what’s under the tree to me anymore, but if everyone is happy. My girls are so sweet and so kind, and I couldn’t ask for more.
How did this year fly by so fast?! And with so much crap? I was talking with a client the other day and she mentioned all the things that happened since I’d last seen her(Christmas 2010) and what an awful year this has been. I wish I could disagree with the loathing… Unfortunately 2011 has brought some really down times for nearly everyone I know. But, recently it’s also brought some of the greatest life lessons… look for a post soon about all the things I’ve learned in 2011.
Until then, I hope you and yours are doing well. Sometimes I wish I had a million bucks to take everyone I love on a giant vacation and introduce y’all to each other; I really am blessed with the best people in the world to be standing next to in life!
Life has been SO weird lately. So.so.SO weird!
Where to start… I suppose with my favorite subject: my girlies! T is now a kindergartner who is loving school. She’s in a great school, with a brand new teacher and seems to be loving things. I haven’t been terribly thrilled about Utah’s retarded schedule of every Friday being an early day, and I swear, she didn’t even go half of October at all! I’ll be thrilled when I can afford private school. =)
C is at home with me, not in preschool, which I actually love. Every day we get some alone time and I feel like I’m finally able to give her some undivided attention. My biggest concern has been because of all going on with T, that C has not received the love and attention she deserves. Its nice to be able to give at least some of that now. Most of the time, we hang out at home, but frequently will get out to Starbucks for some internet time. She gets her own computer and plays games, or watches a show on Nick Jr.
In other updates, I re-filed for divorce a couple months ago. It was a decision long coming, but still strange to do. D and I did it together and agreed on the terms. It’s so nice to know that we are still close friends and that we can show the girls that even though some things in life don’t turn out, you can still make the best out of any situation. The divorce will be finalized sometime in early next year. It’s a little strange to think about all the change coming up in the next few months, but its also interesting to think about a new beginning.
The ending of this summer brought another trip home to the South. It was blissful. Much too short actually. And if my RETARDED camera ever would let me pull the pictures off, I’d post some…
It was wonderful to watch one of my best friends, really, a sister to me, marry her best friend. Hallie and Chad had a beautiful wedding. It was fabulous to see her family, meet his, and finally clear up that it was NOT me who drank her dad’s liquor cabinet dry when we were teenagers. =) Her baby sisters are not babies anymore and have grown into beautiful girls! Her parents are still some of my greatest role models. Meeting “grand-daddy” was also a highlight. Hallie looked GORGEOUS and had everything planned out so well!
All of my friends that came out Saturday night for dinner and the piano bar were also a bright spot. I’m so lucky to be blessed by the greatest friends. I think I saw around 40 people in 5 days. It was a very busy trip, but so much fun!! This time leaving was more difficult than the last, because its the first time I haven’t had a trip already planned for the next time. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.
Life quickly resumed in Utah when I got back. Besides the normal routine of school for D and T, we also recently learned D’s grandfather passed away. Grandpa was probably the only person consistently kind to me in Dave’s family. The fact that NONE of D’s family contacted him was pretty disgusting, but, par for the course. I did have an old friend with close family ties contact me and was able to find out how he died, which offered a lot of comfort to D. What’s most pathetic is that D works with his little brother’s wife. He got her the job. She’s attempted to get him fired on occasions before. She basically lied to their boss so that she could have the day off for the funeral. Disgusting again. Sometimes, I’m still appalled. I’m not sure why I’m appalled, but, it breaks my heart for D. Every time. I’m so glad that no matter what our relationship is, we’ll still be a family, because we share two beautiful girls. I’m so glad he chooses to not associate with such filth of people. I’m so incredibly proud of the person he’s become, and continues to be. No one is perfect, but considering where he came from, I’m so proud he’s chosen to rise above it all and be something more.
Something else monumental would be the communication between myfamily and me resuming. I’m still not confident in my decision, but it’s a step in a different direction. They’ve had frequent communication with the girls, but not really anything regular with me for about 2 years. My sister just had her first child in September, and my parents and brother will be visiting soon and will see the girls for the first time in about 20 months. We’ll see how it goes. I have reserved optimism.
And the best for last… I’m now in a relationship!!! It’s a little strange to type, but it’s so wonderful. Hilariously enough, he has the same name as D, which is just crazy! Things are going well and I’m so happy to have someone so loving, supportive, patient, honest, caring and willing to accept the situation just as it is. He adores the girls, and they adore him. I ADORE HIM! He’s fantastic!
For now, I think that’s about it… I’m so blessed again and again with the people in my life. For all my constant supporters. New and old. So, to all of you: Thanks. I love you. You make my life what it is. I know there are those far away who keep up with my through this blog. My apologies for not writing sooner(B!). I hope you know I think of you often. Until next time. =)
I’m sitting in the Phoenix airport on a long layover before I get home… home meaning the South. I’m going back for yet another wedding and as usual, I’ve met the most interesting people along the way! This always seems to happen! The last time I was in Phoenix was January 2005. Thinking about how different my life is now, to back then is just crazy. Phoenix reminds me of all the reasons I was not ready to be in a relationship. Phoenix reminds me of why I hate family road trips. Phoenix reminds me of the Fiesta Bowl. I hate football. It reminds me to never compromise who I am again. FOR.ANYONE. Phoenix reminds me of forgiveness too. That even when people are hideous, you can still choose to be above the trash. That seems to be a theme that life allows me to learn a lot.
Kindergarten…oh my goodness. I can’t believe that started today. Luckily I was able to be around for the first day. We took T in, she whimpered some and asked me to stay, teared up and begged me to stay and I had to stand up and go… one of the hardest things for me. Metaphorically, today marked such a huge change in my life that it gets me all teary thinking about things. In no time T will be in high school, and then off making her own decisions. I just hope I can do an adequate job of making sure she knows how amazing she is! When I get back, things will change even more, and that I’m not looking forward to.
This trip home will be shorter, but no less full of great friends that are like family. Lunch dates, a dinner just for me and of course, watching my sister get married… I’m so excited! I can’t wait to go home, get away from SLC and be me for a few days. I must admit, its nice to just be Sarah again for a couple of days. I’m so blessed to be able to go back, to have someone I love and trust be with the girls while I’m gone. Life is amazing.
Till I get home!