This week has been particularly hard. It’s Tuesday for Christ’s sake. TUESDAY. I can hardly wait for the next couple days to fly by so I can breathe, snuggling my babies this weekend, and spending time with amazing friends that have carried me through the last few months.
I saw this group recently, and they were awesome. Better live than their record, which is rare. I have such a deep respect and connection to their music and the lyrics. There are so many parts of me that identify with the folksy, upbeat rhythms of their soulful music.
That song is what really turned me onto them.
“You never change your mind once it’s made up
Unless it’s to crawl back on your knees”
Only recently have I felt in my own skin. The last few years after my divorce from Dave have forced me on a journey to figure out who the hell I am. Being alone for a while I finally felt “me” again…and now again after this failed engagement to Paul, I feel the need to retreat again, to preserve the “me” again, and make sure I’ve not lost any part of me completely- never again. Ever. This seems to be a theme in my life. My entire childhood, my mind was made up, until I succumbed to the manipulation, the abuse and the outright mental warfare. I’d go crawling back and buy right back into all of it and subsequently feel terrible about myself. And then, when I married, the same thing. Dating, I often get asked when I got divorced. It’s an ambiguous answer because of how many times I crawled back. From the first separation to the final decree was nearly 4 years. And this most recent relationship, again. Crawling back and buying into the emotional abuse.
“Is that the way you want it?
You get back to the wall
And put your hands up
It’s a holdup
You give up like every time before
That is how you survived the war”
In these lyrics I found compassion for myself. For the longest time this WAS the way I survived. And it’s the way that so many other people survive. Their own wars, fought outright or in the deepest places of their souls, they succumb every time to that demon; be it real or imagined, the value and intensity is no less. A holdup of their real self, against a world that can be incredibly cruel and a mental battle of voices that make them self-doubt and sometimes, self-destruct. I get that. Completely.
Again though, I realize so many times this unidentifiable force propelling me. Telling at me, and sometimes screaming at me over the self doubt that creeps in, that I CAN do this. That I already am. And that more than myself, I have two girls that need to know they can do anything. And the only example that is consistent is the one I provide. What a huge weight that is, but if I had to identify something, it is that that drives me. To make sure my girls know how much they are loved, and how much everything I do is for them. How the three of us are an unbreakable team.
“You’re not gonna lose this one
You don’t have to cut and run
I think you can choose to love and what is more
That is how you survived the war “
And finally, I’ve arrived, alone again. Grateful and full of love- for the tenacity of my soul that never gives up, despite my mind’s begging. And also for the place where I’m at this very moment- strong enough to stay in a place of extreme discomfort and not give up. Strong enough to say no. Strong enough to still choose love despite the way others choose to live their lives. And, what is better? This is how I will survive the war. With love, with peace, with strength and with my girls.
All my love,