Sarahvlp's Blog

This Love July 13, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah @ 12:39 am

It’s nearly 1am as I start this post.  I’ve just finished 4 hours of homework, a midterm, dishes, and packing the girls’ lunches for tomorrow morning.  I’ve been going and going and going for the last 5 weeks at breakneck.  And every night, as I crawl into bed alone, I consider what I thought was supposed to be. Every night I’m either swimming in independence and relief, or drowning in sorrow and anguish over another shattered dream, that was surely for the better, not to be.

And so it is with tonight.  I’m awake, contemplating again.  Contemplating the end of the relationship I thought was ending my search.  The end of the relationship that I thought was supposed to also end my cynicism and doubt.  The end of the relationship with another mirage of hope.  And on a lighter note, also contemplating why it seems like my life’s narration could seriously be, album after album, of Taylor Swift.

I had a conversation a couple nights ago about this phenomenon that happens in my life.  This crazy intuitive presence of complete power, that sometimes inserts itself into my life in the most beautiful, and sometimes temporarily fucked up ways.  The conversation about these phenomena occurred between a prospective male, who recounted his own instances of intuition and bizarre happenings, that could not be explained.  He went on to ask me if I ever noted a greater frequency, or conversely, a lack of these occurrences in my own life.  What a thought provoking question.  As I checked in with myself and my own presence at that moment, I realized that again, at this very moment it was happening!  A call to recognize the hand of something bigger, something much more knowledgeable than my own intelligence, in the form of a simple question from a near stranger. A blaring reminder that I am not in charge, and that that is actually a beautiful thing.  With every moment of grief I have stored, from all of the past mistakes, the past trauma, the past betrayals, there is an equal moment or memory of joy and ecstasy and pure love.  Another moment of relief and another moment of the Universe offering me exactly what I need-and they continuously happen.

Tonight, as the massive conglomerate of the Internets taunted me again with the bitter reminders that this relationship is over, the Universe had another plan: a text conversation with some very close friends reaching the depths of my soul, where there is still a flicker of hope.  A reflection on the reassurance and unconditional love they offer, still hours later, cause my eyes to spill tears over the mounds of my smiling cheeks.  I’m so lucky.  My friends, my family, who will not leave or waiver or falter in their commitment to see me through all of the times in life- they are the reason I am still whole, after an attempt to fraction my soul.

And in perpetuation with all the other times of great need, I lay on my couch sobbing earlier tonight, while one after another reassurances came through unseen channels; highways of intuition and power both wider and deeper than I ever imagined.  Another text, another successive conversation about my own capacity- and the stupidity of others that I cannot let affect me, or stifle my own potential.  Another confirmation that I’m doing this life thing O.K.  That I’ve got a hold of it, and that I just have to keep holding on.  It’s amazing to me how these affirmations come through- without request, but from an innate knowledge that I need something at that very moment.

And so tonight, I will lay my head down peaceful- a peace I know is not likely to stay as I continue to ride the waves of uncertainty- but a peace that is sensational and has touched every nerve as an electric shock. An electric shock of restoration that if I keep going and keep loving- it will come back.  It always does.

This love is good, this love is bad
This love is alive back from the dead
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

This love left a permanent mark
This love is glowing in the dark
These hands had to let it go free
And this love came back to me

My gratitude for life and the wild journey I’m on, is awakened yet again and to a deeper level than before.  Understanding and being cognizant of the experiences that are gifted to me, leads me to believe in perfection, hope, revival, and all the capacity in the world for everything I dream of.  It’s out there- and its mine to chase and achieve.  I know, because every time I doubt, there is this powerful force propelling me forward.  And for that, I will keep going forever.  I am a blessed and lucky soul.

All my love,

Sarah

Geeta Saar

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