It’s so hard to believe that 2010 has come and gone!!! Like many people I was somewhat happy to see 2010 go. I’m looking forward to an eventful 2011 with many great memories to be made.
2010 for me was full of change and ridding myself of all the unnecessary things that had clouded my life. I’m happy to say that by the end of 2010, I had purged myself of all technology at home. I still have the net on my phone, but not having it at my home is amazing. I often found myself distracted and my days, admittedly, being wasted away checking emails endlessly or getting on Facebook way too often. I still do both, but now, alerts are sent to my phone and I really only check the urgent things. Sadly, I now can’t just get on a write a blog post though. I do have an app on my phone, but it doesn’t autosave….which is a big pain in my ass. So, while the posts will be not as plentiful, the happiness trade-off of not having a blaring screen tempting me to waste way too much time, or my DVR beckoning me to sit and waste more time, or my house phone ringing all day…it’s well worth it.
hmm let’s see…. what else was left in 2010? My relationship status with D changed drastically and I’m fast approaching 1 year of not being in a committed relationship with anyone. It’s an odd dynamic since we still live together, but removing myself from my own personal expectations of what I “should” be, has made it all the easier for me to realize the great things about D that I was taking for granted and all the wonderful things about myself that I’d forgotten(or didn’t even realize) were there. While I’m uncertain about any committed romantic relationship in my future, I am certain that I’ve never felt more confident and happy with who I am.
Finding a new group of friends that I’ve grown close to here as also proven a highlight of 2010. For the first time in my entire mothering career(yes… it’s a full-time job), I finally have a few women that I relate to and can call on if I need something. The camaraderie that I’ve found in my new community of friends has been priceless. I have a monthly get together with some of the coolest women I know. We are mothers, friends, soul sisters, and play dates. Finding people who struggle with the same things I do, who have some of the same political and sociological views that I do, and whose children are now like my girls’ siblings… it’s all more than I could ask for. I’ve found an extended family I never dreamed was out there. Leaving Utah has moved from an event that cannot come soon enough, to an event that will be met with a noted degree of melancholy. I’m content just where I’m at in life right now, and it’s never felt better.
2010 also brought about the removal of some people in my life. The good riddance of my ex-in-laws are probably the largest and best thing I could have done for myself and my children. I never knew such people existed on this planet. I still cannot believe that D came from them. Such a sensitive, kind, amazing, gentle, conscientious person… came from people who are the filth of the Earth. I suppose that’s how life works though. Diamonds are found in otherwise useless material. The most beautiful fruits are sometimes fertilized from the most vile and disgusting shit. D is amazing and the changes he’s made in himself are inspiring to me. I’m so glad that he is the father of our daughters. I’m so glad that through everything we’ve kept respect for each other. It’s not been easy, but its been SO so worth it.
Other noteworthy things in 2010…I left the LDS church for good. This was a decision that has been years in the making, but in my mind I finally came to a peaceful place where I realized that leaving the church was not apostasy. It was not a one way ticket to a hell that realistically, does not exist. It was about becoming more healthy inside. It was about removing all the guilt and mental manipulation that is the church. It was about leaving so that I could become the mother that my daughters need. One that is strong, and confident. A mother that teaches them exploration of the world around them, instead of close mindedness and bigotry against others who don’t believe the same. It was an interesting process and one that in some ways ostracized me from the only real community I knew for my entire life. But where one goodbye leaves a gaping hole, ten more were filled to the brim. I have been so insanely blessed since deciding to remove this aspect of my life, that it cannot be anything other than the right choice.
2010 was also a year of great healing within myself. I’ve seen an INCREDIBLE therapist for just over a year now. I wish for the world the same kind of healing and safety I’ve found with my psychologist. I wish people could see how healthy it is to talk through your problems. And that with the right person you can discuss your greatest faults, fears and disappointments and find new ways of coping and living. I’ve never felt so wonderful inside of myself, in my life. I finally felt “normal”, however ambiguous that term is. I finally felt like whatever I get thrown, I will always land on two feet. ALWAYS. That knowledge has provided me with a greater sense of joy than I ever thought possible.
So, here’s to goodbye 2010. Thank you for your lessons, your trials, your speed bumps, all out road blocks and all the incredible memories. Here’s looking forward to 2011… with all there is to offer and all the great things to come. I can’t wait!
Much love always,