Sarahvlp's Blog

Just say it. April 22, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah @ 9:38 am

I realize I’m probably one of the most blunt people in the world.  I’ve actually done this post before…I’ve discussed how I can be brash, about how I can be honest to a fault, and about how I wish people would just come out and say what they mean.  I’m not good at reading minds.  I’d assume very few people in this world are, so I’d prefer to just say it, or in turn, hear it- straight up- no bullshit. 

One of my biggest pet peeves is being lied to.  My best friend and I have gone through pretty similar situations recently and discussed many times how the action(s) is not as painful as the lie.  To be taken for stupid is the biggest insult you could give someone.  It shows the least amount of respect possible to act as if you are above the truth.  Two people conspiring to lie to another is even worse- even if the lie is simply a with holding of whole or partial truth, instead of the calculated deception.

I try my best to never blog about specific situations or give too many details.  I’m not a fan of giving people reasons to hate others- I figure they can take care of that one on their own.  The amount of self-restraint it’s taking to not out the shittiest people in my life is enormous.  For the past twelve hours its been a mental battle of trying to remember all the work I’ve done in therapy, all the time I’ve spent in reflection and meditation, all the changes that I’ve tried to make in myself the last 8 months or so,  but also knowing how much this betrayal hurts AND how it brings with it all the betrayal of the past 24 years; all over again.   How nice it would be to slash people up one side and down the other and then ask how much it hurts.  But, then I remember, I do not live my life “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth”.  I do not live to keep malice and hate deeply seeded in my heart.  My heart is my place.  My haven away from the world, and if I harbor negativity there, then I have no safe harbor. 

Through all the bullshit though I’m still impressed.  With myself.  I’ve continually been handed shit, and I’d say all considering, I’ve made sure I do everything I can to make the best of every single situation.  And I’ll continue to.  Why?  Because it gives me hope and solace in the midst of a hell of a lot of chaos and garbage.  At the end of my life I’d rather be known for being upfront with people and compassionate to every person I come into contact with, instead of a liar or someone who was never true to who they were.  This choice to take the higher road gives me a sense of peace.  And it gives my sweet little girls a lifelong lesson: When life hands you lemons, you make lemonade.  NO.MATTER.WHAT.  And that even when people all around you are acting like idiots, you can still choose to take the higher road.  You can choose to stand above it all.  Because it is just that: a choice.

When I lived in Oklahoma I’d listen to this song when I was pissed off, often while jogging.  Between pounding the pavement with my shoes, the melody and the lyrics combined with my frustrations, it somehow made all the wars raging inside, calm to a halt.  In so many ways, it still does.

Lifehouse “Somewhere in between”

I can’t be losing sleep over this
no, i can’t
and i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours
and i’ll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing

’cause i cannot stand still
i can’t be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

this is over my head
but underneath my feet
cause by tomorrow morning i’ll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy

’cause i’m waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i’m sowehere in between
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

would you catch me if i fall
out of what i fell in
don’t be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again
i don’t want to run away from this
i know that i just don’t need this

’cause i cannot stand still
i can’t be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening

’cause i’m waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i’m somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream

what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream
what is real and just a dream

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