Sarahvlp's Blog

You are brilliant beyond your own knowledge! April 17, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 11:38 pm

Tonight I hung out with one of the most amazing people I know.  She’s been my friend for a few years and I’ve been blessed many times by her kind, caring heart, and wisdom.  She has a never-ending well of empathy and an ability to connect and make people feel important, loved, and at ease like no one I’ve ever seen.  It is safe to say that this woman is one of the few I hold closest to my heart.  And recently, life has unleashed its shit storm on her.

As I was driving home tonight, this song came on.  I remember being moved to tears the first time I heard it.  Tonight was no different as I thought about all the struggles and pain my sweet friend has experienced lately.  Thinking about all she does for others, the countless times she has been there for me in my struggles with my ex-husband, the times she has listened and loved me and never judged me as a mother, all the times she’s offered her empathy and kindness in the face of some of my really difficult trials over the few years- even when she was struggling herself.  And now, life is piling it on her and her sweet family.  No amount of support or love or help I could give would ease the incredible amount of pain she is going through, and as her friend, that makes my heart ache.


Recently, I’ve had a couple people message me about things I’ve posted on Facebook.  I never set out to be anything other than excited for the goals I’ve accomplished lately, but these women took the time out of their day to thank me.  These two individuals called out specific things in their lives that they were privately struggling with.  I am so honored that they would share and trust their struggles with me.  When I think about these individuals my heart aches for them too.  One has affected thousands of lives, and the other is on her journey into greatness.  Both are incredible people that I’m grateful to know.


Also this week, a coworker had a close friend commit suicide.  Only, the attempt went wrong, and she is now on life support. I think about my sweet co-worker friend, losing her friend, and the sweet little girl left behind with no mommy.  I think about this poor woman too, and my own struggles with depression and anxiety, and trauma, and all of the things that makes life seem impossible sometimes.  I think about how much pain this woman must have been in and how hopeless things must have seemed.  I personally know the demons that she struggles with.  The depth of the despair you feel when you add all of the factors together, and their sum total feels like more than you can handle.  I think about how much I want to shake and then hug women in her exact same situation and tell them, “It will not always be like this!  It gets better!!!  Don’t give up!!!  Just keep going!”   My heart is full of ache tonight for all the suffering that happens in the world, and the lack of empathy we sometimes display for others that cross our paths.


I thought about this on my drive home and how much this concept has come up lately in my life; that of loving while having to watch someone in an incredible amount of suffering and pain.  How hard it is to sit back and know that nothing you can do can speed that process up, or make it better, or make it go away.  I thought about the times I was most struggling and the people who were my greatest supports.  I thought about the things we’ve been through as a family in the last year, and watching one of my children in an immense amount and depth of suffering I could not fix or ease or chase away. I think about the humongous amount of tough love that I had to dole out, with the assistance of Paul, and her reluctant father.  How hard it was to stand back for once and let life run its course- surely the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life- but how beautiful the picture is today.  How bright the hues of my own life portrait are because of all those struggles.  And about how fortunate I am to have so much love, so many wonderful examples of humanity surrounding me, and and being able to find my own inner strength to press on, even when I wanted to lay down and surrender.


And then I’m reminded of this song again, and the lyrics that beg for understanding and acceptance of each other. Of inclusion and unconditional love from our fellow human beings.

“You don’t have to try so hard, you don’t have to bend until you break.  You just have to get up, get up, get up, get up, you don’t have to change a single thing.”

I think about the kind of person and friend I am.  And if I’m doing enough to keep my judgments in check, and keeping the love I have for people overflowing?  I hope the people in my life know how much I love them; how each one of them I choose to spend time and energy on because they ARE worth it-because they each have something amazing about them that I see and appreciate so much.  We are all worth it.  And more, we are worth each other’s best efforts to love and be kind to each other and accept people for exactly where they are at.  You don’t have to change a single thing- I can love you exactly where you’re at.


It’s been a long, emotional week for me, but still my heart is so full of love.  Love for the friends of mine that are suffering, love for my sweet girlies and all that they are accomplishing, love for my sweet Paul who never stops trying to better himself and loves me in spite of my flaws.  And a lot of love for all those friends that haven’t shared their struggle with anyone- no vague-facebooking posts, no cry for help or sympathy, just silent, strong suffering.  Those are the ones I’m thinking the most about tonight and sending out big giant air hugs and lots of love to.


Really, we are each sitting at the precipice of our brilliance.  Sometimes, a storm has rolled in for the seemingly endless night, but in the not-so-distant future, we will each arrive at greatness and the exact moment we are supposed to.  Never before in my life did I understand this more than I do now.  We are right there, and the only thing we need to do is keep going, and love each other.  Life is amazing!  Even in the darkest hour, we have the opportunity to be something to someone else by offering kindness.  I’m so thankful for the sweet friends in my life that teach me this by offering their own love in the face of darkness.


To the individual tonight-  you cannot know the worlds that I think of you.  You cannot understand the respect and reverence I have for your soul.  You are such a strong, amazing human being and my life is better because of beautiful you.  You are the fine china my friend.  Sparkle on lady- you are on the top shelf of my china cabinet!

Much love,



2013 in a wrap… January 1, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 1:54 pm

Today is New Years Day.  And I can’t help but feel rejuvenated, excited, hopeful, and energized to start a new chapter of my life’s story.

Yesterday I sporadically recalled moments of 2013.  A lot of them came with exhaustive, grief-stricken tears.  Of relationships and friendships lost or changed, of challenges that felt insurmountable.  So much of 2013 was a struggle that I felt would never end.  To relive motherhood’s worst nightmare, a second time in my lifetime.  To sever the ties of relationships that I poured so much into, with people whom I love so much, but who I cannot live among their toxicity.  To feel so much void, not just from my own struggles, but also in the struggles of my sweet girls who are innocent in all the chaos, but so desperately trying to accept their redefined life.  To have a mother’s guilt, of watching your children suffer and not being able to do a damn thing to fix it.  To watch someone very close to me, a mother in my life, face her worst fear and close out her year bald from chemo, but still so beautiful.  To remember the trip to home to my Oklahoma for the sweet memorial service of a great man, who shaped the amazing girl I get to call my best friend.  Yesterday was filled with so much emotion-wracked reflection.  But it was also full of smiles.  Smiles from all the other times… like picking live lice out of the girls’ heads for hours on end.  And remembering the crazy months that led up to one night full of love and hope for cancer patients– a night that I orchestrated and directed with the help of some awesome people.  And later this year to attend a very special little girl’s “cancer-free” party, while simultaneously remembering her sweet angel friend, who had passed on.  Both girls were part of that neat night where the love in my heart for them and their courageous families first sparked.  And also to remember the hope for my Mama V in her own journey, and to smile at her ferocious spirit.    Remembering the ridiculous weeks of crawling up and down the stairs in my new house, accompanied by the girls with my giant boot and gimp foot and a pair of crutches.  The crazy times of dance parties in our new tiny kitchen with that damn boot on and two girls’ giggles; those still mean so much to me.  Of crazy times watching in awe, as my girls and little nephew communicate in their own way to each other once a week on GChat.  Of the girls’ first camping adventure, and all the road trips of 2013.  The weddings I shared joy in by catering and making the cakes for… something I swore I’d never do, but that started with Mama V telling me I could do it.  All of the crazy, fun, ridiculous, and exciting memories led me to smile at the best parts of this year.  The joy, the happiness, but most of all the love, that was poured into my life in 2013 is overwhelming and inspiring.  To consider the possibility of experiencing another entire year, even an entire lifetime of that love, is breathtaking. As I closed my 2013 with the one I love and our friends, I looked around inside my soul.  At everything beautiful that has come together. At everything that has made up the sum of my amazing life.  To look at the pictures on the walls spanning years of my girls’ lives, is to remember that even through the midst of hell, my soul has still been warmed.  Warmed with the love of my greatest accomplishments, and their smiles, and giggles, and hugs, and “I love you’s”.  And those are the best parts of my entire existence.  Tears that track down over the rounds of my cheeks and fall to the corners of my smile remind me that everything wonderful still co-exists with struggle.  And that knowledge is the greatest lesson I learned from 2013.

Life is such an incredible trek.  Storms that sometimes feel constantly taxing on the soul, are always followed by peaks that hold the greatest glimpses of hope, and what is just beyond the torment filled valleys of life.  I am so happy to say that while 2013 was a great struggle, it was also an even greater joy.  And it ended with so much promise.  A promise that no matter what 2014 brings, there is always love, and hope, and room to grow, to accomplish, and to succeed.  May your New Year be filled with the same sentiments is my wish.

All my love,



Thanksgiving December 1, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 10:12 pm

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.  Besides the awesome food, time with those close to you, it’s also about slowing life down for a day and taking time to think about what you’re grateful for.   I have SO many things this year.  More than ever I think.  More than ever when logically, you could say that this year has been one of the hardest of my life.

Here’s my list, condensed into the things at the very forefront of my mind…even though there are so many that I could, and should name specifically, here are only a few.

There is my P.  P, well, he is AMAZING!  He listens, he communicates, he smiles, he laughs obnoxiously loud(which fits right in with us 3 girls), he is honest, he is wonderful to T and C, and he is spectacular to me.  Never before have I experienced a depth between two people, as I do with P.  He is supportive of me beyond belief.  He encourages me to be me.  He encourages free thinking and individuality with the girls.  He loves them freely, and openly, and sets a phenomenal example for them on how they should be treated, and how they should treat others.  And already, the resolution to provide everything that the world should contain for the girls.  He mirrors the greatest wishes of my heart, as a parent to my sweet girls.  P also fills our home with music.  He plays guitar, lets T and C play guitar with him and serenades me with the piano, whenever I want… and even at times when I don’t… like 6am, to wake two girlies up for the day.  P, with all of his talents, his desire to work together and achieve more, his good looks, and his example is definitely something I am BEYOND grateful for.

I’m also grateful for my close network of friends.  I spent Thanksgiving day with my B.  He is such an incredible human being.  He is accepting, HYSTERICAL, open, honest, loving, and full of joy.  He has shared so much with me over the course of our friendship, and on Thanksgiving, extended this to sharing his family.  AND THEY ARE AWESOME!!!  My friendship with B has been such an amazing thing for me this year that I couldn’t possibly go without mentioning him at the top of my list.  He has taught me about individuality, personal integrity, standing up for those you love even if its hard, and being true to your own soul.  Also included in the package of B, is his mom.  His mom is an incredible amount of amazing support to all her kids.  And when I see the love that the 6 kids show their mama in their own way, it makes ME want to be THAT kind of mama.  I feel incredibly lucky to have so many neat examples, both near and far of women I want to model my life after.

Also on the list is my pseudo sister A.  She is everything I’ve wanted my sister relationships to be.  Lots of teasing, girl time, tears, laughs till our sides hurt, showing the girls the cathartic effect of singing at the top of your lungs, and someone to confide in and turn to for support.  She was away for Thanksgiving, but not far from my thoughts.  A is an awesome auntie to T and C and they love her.  She’s young, and has her stuff together.  I’m proud to call her one of my best friends.  She is someone who has risen to the occasion of awesome, forged past some REALLY hard shit that life has flung at her, and conquered her own demons to be unconditionally loving, accepting, and joyful.  Our friendship, nay, sisterhood, brings me a happiness and joy I could not describe.

Included in the super-close-to-my-heart-list, is my best-est friend forever C.  We have known each other for the larger part of our lives now, and I think the world of her.  Throughout this year, she has surmounted unbelievable grief, with a grace and poise that I only wish I could know.  In the midst of it all, she has been consistent in her contact, supportive in her words, and loving in her actions.  She checks in on me, celebrates with me, keeps me grounded and realistic, reminds me to slow down when I need to, and provides a tenured stability in my collective family that comforts me on my darkest days.  And one day we’ll live close enough to go get pedi’s, and celebrate our amazing lives together over a glass of wine.

This year has also brought new relationships with my family of origin.  For the past decade, I’ve really had little to do with my siblings.  Mostly because I was at a completely different place than all of them, but also because of distance and the culture that we grew up in.  A culture of combative independence, limited thinking, and a lack of understanding of each other.  It’s so neat to see each of my three siblings excelling in their own ways, owning their lives, and opening their minds to more love and less judgment. Along with the changes in those relationships, has been more time with my older sister J. Someone who I love very much, but who I misunderstood for so many years, J and I now have the shared joy of both being mamas.  Forging a relationship out of the commonality of motherhood has been so rewarding- not just for me, but for my girls as well.  They get to hang with their cousin, and video chat weekly to the only blood family we have a routine with.  And that routine, is REALLY cool.  Like REALLY, REALLY cool.

On top of everything, if my mix of family was not enough, I’ve also been able to add four super awesome parents to my life.  I NEVER thought it would be possible again to WANT to spend time with anyone who could be called in-laws.  But, my heart has changed it’s tune.  P’s parents have been accepting, inviting, loving and exactly what I needed to heal so many parts of the small tattered corner of my soul that came from my previous in-laws.  After my experience with them, I thought the in-law part was the ONLY thing that would be what kept me from actually taking the last step and marrying someone.  I was not interested in any contact at first.  More out of my own terrified grief, than anything.  But P’s dad is cool as hell, and his sweet wife S shares my love of cooking, books, and service to others.  The two of them together are fun, loving, accepting, and refreshingly unique.  They come over and hang out, P and his dad play duets on the piano, and Sandy and I snuggle with the girls.  P’s mom is also awesome, and her husband is such a kind man.  At Halloween, he had a little photo shoot with the girls in their costumes, just like a proud grandpa.  It was so neat, it brought tears to my eyes.   Together P’s mom and her husband are the concerned, loving, predictable, and involved(while still respecting our family’s boundaries) influences I wanted when I dreamed of the in-laws I would want.  For years, the biggest sadness in everything tragic has been that the girls have not had dependable, responsible, loving, honest, kind people as grandparents.   I regularly have to take a deep breath, take it all in and say a silent “thank you” to whoever orchestrated this beautiful disaster that is my life; it is perfection.

A very large part of my sadness over the last years came from not being able to magically appear with the family part of the girls’ life.  That as their mother, I could work my ass off trying to fix EVERYTHING else, but I could not make anyone, grandparents, aunts, uncles, or otherwise, be what I wanted them to be.  I could not will them to be selfless enough to realize the great need for my two precious girls to see good influences and good models of relationships and examples of how to be a phenomenal human being.  Out of so much darkness, even what seemed like an eternity of it, my greatest wish came true.  To find someone who would understand me, love me, love my girls with abandon, be responsible, driven, kind, a good man, and above all honest.  And that he would come with people who I could love, who could also love my greatest joys, and who would love me; all without condition or judgement.  In P, and his family, I have found my wish.  And it is like the icy chill of a Slurpee, on a hot summer’s day, to my heart.

I could go on and on.  In my life, I enjoy relatively good health, abundance in my immediate needs being met, great friends that have not been mentioned(like the whole of OKLAHOMA!), access to healthcare for myself and my family, a job that gives me satisfaction with the people I get to serve, a car that is paid off and runs well, and so many other things.  But most of all, there are my girlies.  T and C. C and T.  My dynamic little duo.  At the very tippy-top of my list, there are these little twerps.  They suck my credit union account dry, and fill my life account with so much more than anything I could ever buy.  These two sweet girls that make my entire existence validated, even on the hardest days.  Because they are all I need.  They are my hope, my dreams, and my life.  My soul, beating and thriving, in two unique little beings that each have their own hopes and dreams for what life holds.  It’s the most amazing thing.  I never imagined motherhood would bring so much pain, so much sweat, tears, and bodily fluids in general.  But all of those joined still do not equal the love, happiness, joy, and immeasurable glee that comes from seeing T climb her first tree on our trip to Oregon this year, or see C read her first pages of a book this fall.  Or see them work together to solve a problem.  Or to hear them say “I love you” to each other.  Or to watch the two of them peacefully sleeping, curled up in the blankets that have soothed and warmed them each since birth.  I am so grateful for every part of them.  Even, the challenging days where I want to rip my hair out in frustration, or scream because watching them in any kind of pain, and not being able to fix it, is the most maddening thing.

The parts though, where everything is right again in the world, where everything is back to “normal”, when there is peace, and love, and a calm that is palpable; those parts blow every other difficult part away to somewhere else, and what is left, is this nucleus of family.  A nucleus made up of courageous fierceness in the two of them, manifested in the most separate, but patented ways.  And also of concentrated concern, from two loving parents, living together out of desire for each other and a unified cause to make each day better, and where honesty, love and joy prevail.  It is the most soul-warming thing I’ve ever experienced.  And to add to that family, the surrounding, endless love of close friends, who are actually in reality, our family.  Every single part adding something essential for our perfect, beautiful little disaster: this is my life.

And this year, my little nucleus is what I am thankful for the most.

All my love,



Tenacity and gratitude March 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 9:55 pm

“Well I won’t back down, no I won’t back down.  You could stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won’t back down.”

Here’s the deal:



1.holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold (often followed by of  ): a tenacious grip on my arm;tenacious of old habits.
2.highly retentive: a tenacious memory.
3.pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate.
4.adhesive or sticky; viscous or glutinous.
5.holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; tough.
As I turn one year old this week, I was reflecting on all that the past year has brought. Holy Shit.  Its crazy!  Since my last birthday post, I’ve gone back to work, changed jobs, given up my job as a mom for 12 hours a day to someone else(probably the most difficult thing for me ever), kicked my ex-husband out(also incredibly difficult), FINALLY filed papers, and successfully risen above a million and one little challenges…I’d say tenacious is a GREAT word to describe the last year.  Sticking to my guns, sticking to my girlies, and persistent, stubborn and holding fast to everything I value.  I’m proud to say another year has past and I’ve come out on top again.
This past weekend I spent in Moab UT.  Remember that whole “making my dreams come true”?  Moab was on my list of places to go.  I made it happen. =)  I spent the weekend with a friend of mine.  We laughed, teased, and bugged the crap out of each other, as well as hiked through some of the most uniquely gorgeous scenery I’ve ever seen.  It was blissful.  Exactly what I needed to re-prioritize and realize again, what I NEED in life, and making what WANT happen.
On par with the rest of my life, I thought this weekend. A LOT.  A lot about myself and where the hell I’m going.  A lot about where I’ve been in the last year(or not been).  A lot about the people I’ve surrounded myself with.  A lot about each of those people, their individual struggles and how much they mean to me; how much I gain from having every single person in my life, adding what they do to my journey and experience.  I feel so blessed to be surrounded by some of the most exceptional people on the face of the planet.  To be encouraged, inspired, delighted, and changed, every day by those that surround me.  Thank you to each one of you.  The last year was a ride for me, but it was filled with love, and happiness, and JOY.  Because every time I was ever down, I had someone stop by my house, and bring flowers, or dinner, or ice cream.  Every time I wanted to(figuratively) toss in my towel and be done with the BS of life, one(or more) of my amazing friends came to my rescue with a text, a phone call, something in the mail, a smile, a Facebook post, and many other thoughtful gestures. Sometimes I wonder how its possible to live such a happy life.  And then I remember, I’ve chosen to surround myself with awesome people, and when you surround yourself with great people, you have no choice but to rise to the occasion.  I don’t show nearly enough gratitude; to those in my life, and to the universe for allowing me to cross paths with the people I have, even if our paths divert, and go separate ways eventually.  I’m still so grateful.
Here’s to another year of tenacious adventures!
All my love,

It’ll be alright again. =) November 12, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 10:09 pm

“I ain’t settlin’ or just getting by, I’ve had enough so-so for the rest of my life, tired of shootin” to low, so raise the bar high…”

This seems to be my theme song lately.  This and a few others.  Never EVER getting back together with ANYONE that’s unhealthy, family, friends, love interests…none of it.  This summer I did a clean sweep of my life, and honestly, things have really turned around.

My last post was around my birthday.  This has surely been neglected!  I wrote of happiness and love and all the things closest to my heart, while simultaneously trying to mask the largest amount of inner turmoil that had been brewing for quite some time.  It was a last-ditch attempt to stave off the inevitable.  So, about three weeks after I got home I set off my own A-bomb.  What a nice change.  To take control of my own life and choose better, so much better; for myself, and for the girls, was liberating, soul-saving, refreshing, and the hardest damn thing I’ve ever done. 

So, now, after some of the dust has settled, I’m THRILLED to say that life is blissful.  Like, really blissful.  Not fake blissful in that every thing has worked out, or is perfect, but in the sense that every single thing has come about at just the right time, when I needed exactly.  This seems to be a common theme in life that I seem to forget.  Sometimes I’m so wrapped up in fixing things, or figuring them out, that I forget to just live them, let them unfold and be content with exactly what’s in front of me.  But, learning all the things I have in the past 6+ months has made me the strongest mumma, the strongest woman, and someone who finally knows the value of good things.  I’m so lucky to have my girls.  Lucky to have a job, a new one on the horizon, multiple options, and my little thing…that little tiny sweets thing I started a few years ago…well it’s slowly coming back.  Which gives me the faith, that one day soon, I’ll own a full-fledged shop.  One that’s all mine, a place where I can call the shots, and make sure it’s done the way I want it: FINALLY.  Things are small right now, but I was sure in March when I made all those little decisions that led up to the big bomb, that it was all over.  But, it’s not.  It’s just begun.  And, really, life has just begun.  All over again.  And I can’t wait!  I can’t wait to be me.  And be the best me I can be.  Life is such a gift.   Finding satisfaction in the hard work I put forth every day is what drives me to keep going. 

I’m thankful to say that everything is alright.  That everything is OK.  That it’s exactly how it’s meant to be and it’ll all be alright again soon.    I know there have been quite a few concerned friends- and to those I say, thank you.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being loyal, and true, and everything wonderful for, and to me, and my girls.  Thank you for being patient, and waiting, while I figured out the hardest transition of my entire life.  Thank you for STILL being patient while I work out the kinks in this crazy thing.  But thank you the most for showing me that honest people exist, and that I can count on the love you’ve continuously displayed.  Y’all know exactly who you are.  Each of you are a strength to me in a way I cannot truly express enough gratitude for. 

Hopefully, this will have some more regular updates.  I’ve found that writing and playing my beloved piano are my releases lately.  Therapeutically, words offer me a discharge in a way most things can’t.  Thanks for the love, the patience and the silent support.  I’m truly amazed.  Thank you just isn’t enough.



Healing March 13, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 11:24 am

Today is my birthday.  I used to think it was negative to expect, or even desire that people go out of their way for you on your birthday.  I grew up hearing that this was a day unlike any other and the rest of the world didn’t really care.  But, today, ESPECIALLY this year, I learned they do.  There are SO many people who care.  And being cared for, is blissful.  My phone and Facebook page were filled with literally over 100 messages of care, and love.  Each one, noted and stored in my memory.  Each one a bit of salve for my soul.  So, THANK YOU.  Thank you to D and my girls for my awesome sign in the hotel room, and for my new piano music.  Thank you to my close friends watching my house while I’m out-of-town.  Thank you to P, for my incredibly creative and AWESOME birthday package.  And to each of my friends for their texts, their “I miss you!” and “I love you!” and “Happy Birthday beautiful!” messages.  Those messages mean so much to me.  This birthday has been the best yet… and I expect that every year after will now also be just as awesome.  I can’t wait to come and party with you all!  I truly have the greatest friends ever, and the very best people in my life.  I am so, so, SO lucky!

I spent today at the happiest place on Earth:  Disneyland.  I spent it with my girls and one of my best friends.  This was exactly where I needed to be.

A few years ago if you’d asked me about what I pictured my life to be in 2, 3, or even 4 years, I never would have said where I am today.  I have gone through some of the biggest struggles of  my life.  Some of the greatest betrayals too.  Ones that I thought were impossible for any human being to commit.  But since those realizations, it’s been about finding a way through the struggle.  As a child, I had a book about going on a lion hunt… every challenge the boy comes across, he mentions, “Can’t go over it, can’t go under it have to go through it”.  The focus is on experiencing whatever it is he comes across.  Not going around them or over them, but experiencing them and then moving on to the next challenge.  What great advice!!!!  Life is not about circumventing our trials.  It is about embracing them, then finding a way through them, and then, probably most important: moving on.

The past couple years have been a journey of redefinition of myself:  of my role as a mother, as a daughter, a sister, a friend, and as a human being.  I’ve learned that the greatest forgiveness yields the greatest joy.  That when people are unhealthy, you can still choose to love them, and accept them.  That even if you love and accept someone through forgiveness, this does NOT mean you have to maintain a relationship.  You do NOT have to love and accept their choices and those subsequent actions.  Loving and accepting someone does NOT mean you have succumb to their demands either.  I’ve also learned that people will surprise you, if you let them.  I’ve had more random acts of kindness in the last 2 years, but I believe it’s because I’ve looked for them.  People are all around you, willing and ready to show their compassion, if you just accept it.  Learning to accept help has been a great struggle for me, and something I continue to struggle with, but, I have learned that doing it all on my own robs others of their desire to help, robs me of the lessons I could learn from someone else, and robs my kids of the chance to see how others live their lives and make decisions. My new way of life, and looking at relationships, has allowed me the freedom to move on from things that have troubled me in the past.  That freedom is invigorating and inspiring.  I’m so glad for the challenges I’ve been given.  They’re exactly what I needed. =)


I’ve also learned that I have the greatest capacity in me.  That I CAN do anything; a knowledge I didn’t have before.  I have a list of places I want to see before I die.  Disneyland with my girls was one.  San Fransisco is another.  I’m knocking those two out in one week.  I can’t wait.  Already, this trip has been one chock full of memories, laughs, giggles, smiles, and JOY.  A joy I wasn’t sure existed still.  But it does.  And it will continue to.  I’m insanely grateful for being able to take my girls and show them that life exists after trauma.  For them, and for me.  Regardless of what’s happened in the past, you can move on.  Never forgetting the trauma is inevitable, but realizing that life exists and is still so beautiful after has been a whole new realization.

Yesterday, as we ran through ride after ride in the park, the elation on T’s face was AWESOME.  It was so refreshing.  It was as if my sweet girl was whole again.  Like no one had ever touched her.  Like everything in life was perfect.  During one of the rides, I watched T control how high we flew, and saw the excitement and wonder in her eyes, and heard her happiness through the endless giggles.  It was like breathing life into my soul.  Life is so rich.  It’s just waiting for us to take it all in.  And just like that ride- we control how high we soar.

As we watched the end of the night fireworks, and listened to the narration, Julie Andrews said, “dreams really do come true”.  That my friends, is true.  It has been my dream and greatest desire to give T back what was stolen from her.  And the past three days, I have.  And the next lifetime, I’m going to continue to.  I want to show her all the most beautiful things in the world and experience them-together.  Because the joy I see on her face gives me the hope that anything is possible. Because the happiness in the last 3 days, has healed my heart in a way I never thought possible.

Thanks to all those who made this the best birthday ever.  My heart is so full right now, I could burst.

Dreams do come true, hearts do heal, there is love and life after struggle and pain, and you CAN do anything!!

All my love,



Writer’s Block February 25, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — Sarah!!! @ 9:47 pm

There’s a lot going on in this pretty little head of mine…  I’ve got so much going on I can’t seem to decide where to start. 

So… I imagine I won’t be updating this till mid march after my birthday trip.  I can’t wait.  I’m going to a couple epic cities where I will drown my concerns away with characters from my own childhood, places I’ve dreamed about since I was a little girl, tasting chocolate from the source, seeing a place kinda like 2 years ago, and hopefully meeting more people to enhance my journey.  And of course: showing my girlies all the most perfect things about life.  That life should be enjoyed to the fullest always.  Where I can forget that I have papers to file that make the last 2+ years official, a job to find, and a life to revamp…again.  But that’s ok.  Because I’ll be spending my birthday with the most important people in the world, seeing places I’ve wanted to my whole life.  Yeah- I’m making my dreams happen.  Are you?



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