I remember wondering a year ago if this day would ever come. The intoxicating confusion of being suddenly abandoned by someone I’d promised to spend the rest of my life devoted to, was almost too much to bear. And now, one year later I am happier, more resolute to keep that happiness, and determined to share it with as many people as possible.
In the last year I’ve faced things where I turned to the contact in my phone to ask for his opinion, only to internally berate myself for doing so. I’ve seen a beautiful tropical paradise and silently hummed the country song, “You Should Be Here” while consoling my sweet girls that one day everything will be less painful and easier. I’ve visited beautiful foreign countries and seen some of the most genuine human beings that exist; amidst those places I found a peaceful gratitude for the knowledge that without the pain, I would not get to experience all the beauty that is around me. Probably the most important thing I’ve realized in the last year is that the “one day” I kept telling my girlies about, is actually right now in this very moment. My beautiful life has existed in spite of the pain- because of the pain.
Because of that pain I’ve pushed myself. A few days after he left, I made a goal list. Those goals included:
-5K with the girls
-Get my passport
-Make a budget
-Read one book for fun
-Hawaii with my girls
-4.0 for the summer semester
Each of these had a very specific purpose that I felt like I needed to accomplish to right myself from the chaos. I wanted to get back into exercising regularly, and also show the girls how fun this could be together. I wanted to get my passport so I could make my annual birthday trip an amazing one to some foreign land and remind myself that I was worth it and could do anything I wanted to on my own. I wanted to make a budget so that I could stay in the beautiful home that I was living in and keep the stability for the girls. I wanted to read one book for fun, as I’d forgotten what reading for pleasure was. I needed to take my girls to Hawaii to show them that no matter what, you stick with life, even when its rough and you do it with a smile on your face. That trip was the hardest trip I’ve ever taken in my life, but I faked it until it ended and then came home and collapsed. Probably the most difficult was achieving a 4.0 for the summer semester. 2 days before the semester started, he left- taking with him the only working computer, and ripping the internet out of the wall on his way out. I had no idea what I was going to do. My wonderful employer stepped in and made sure that I had a computer to continue with school because they believed in me. For them and for myself, I achieved that 4.0. I is possible to walk straight through hell with a smile on your face- the last year has definitely taught me this.
I look back at the last year. I think about all the amazing things that have happened. I’ve had friends offer more support than I’ve ever known in my whole life. I’ve had a therapist who has been consistent, understanding, and supportive beyond any normal professional relationship. I’ve had coworkers who have literally become my family and taken my girls on as part of their own. I’ve dated too- some really, really amazing people who have also helped me heal and grow and move forward. I’m in awe of the gifts that have come into my life in the last year. I’m so grateful for the people that I’ve surrounded myself with.
Tonight ended a very long year. I had one last box of things I’d been gathering and trying to get to him. He has been dishonest, and nasty, and downright rude over the last year on multiple occasions and while it would have been easier to just throw it all away like he did with the life we were building, there was a part of me that needed to extend the gesture of forgiveness. To show myself that I’m still me- even after the excruciating pain of the last year. That I’ll still take the high road. And really, more than anything for my girls to see this is how you live. Showing them that you can be kind, and compassionate and decent even when others are not- this is a critical lesson in life and one that I want them to learn from example.
So, I drove to his work, attempted to find his car, and when I couldn’t find it I drove an additional 30 minutes to his parents house and left the box on the doorstep. I sat in my car for a few minutes at the top of their street, admired the view of the Great Salt Lake, and thanked the universe for everything I’ve been given in the last year- including the end of this. I’m very grateful that someone or something was watching out for me and knew this was not right. I know now that it was not right; life is so right now that I couldn’t even imagine limiting myself to a life of frustration and loneliness in another lifeless marriage. I’m so relieved and grateful for the patient foresight of a universe that always has just the right plan for my life. Knowing that I’m not in charge of this crazy ride is a wild comfort when the tides ebb and flow with uncertainty.
it’s just me myself and I.
I don’t need a hand to hold
even when the night is cold
I’ve got that fire in my soul
That fire in my soul is what drives me to keep going. To keep giving when I want to lay down and scream in frustration. That fire is what propels me to make sure the girls have the best life possible. And to teach them that they can do anything they put their minds to- and that their mama will ALWAYS be there cheering and screaming them on. They are my life. They are my motivation and reason for everything and the fuel that burns the fire in my soul to an unthinkable, unrelenting heat.
I’m so grateful for this one year. The one year where I’ve learned more about myself and my own capacity. The one year when my faith in people has been rejuvenated. The one year where I’ve packed more life and happiness in than the previous 5. I’m so grateful to be alive and thriving and exactly where I am. I am the luckiest.
All my love,